I really need you to hear me today internets. I need to tell you things that shouldn't be told to the internets. I need you to hear me with an open heart and mind and not judge. I need you to not think I am a bad person or a terrible friend because I think that of myself.
9 months ago I had a baby.
9 months ago I did (or rather didn't) do something I should have.
9 months ago I made it very clear to my family and the family of my husband to NOT put anything about our daughter's birth on the internet until we had a chance to tell close family and friends. It happened anyways.
9 months ago I relied on a text message to reach someone very important and it didn't happen.
9 months ago my best friend in the whole wide world found out after a few million people that our beautiful baby girl had arrived and she was devastated - and so was I.
9 months ago my best friend and I got in a ginormous fight... in the hospital...and she compared me to someone who has done very little good in her life...someone who hurts her over and over again.
9 months ago I cried holding our beautiful baby and I felt like having her ripped my deepest friendship apart.
9 months ago the doctors thought I had a severe case of post-partum depression because I couldn't look at my baby with out crying (and not the happy kind of tears)
9 months ago I told my husband that I wasn't sure how I could be a good mother if I couldn't even be a good friend.
9 months ago I sat in a bathroom and cried and yelled and screamed and cursed at my husband because my nutso hormones made me irrational and my fear got the best of me.
9 months ago I told my husband that I didn't want to be a mother and I didn't want to have a baby and even though I loved her and him I didn't like how my life had changed.
9 months ago I cried in public and begged my husband to take me home because I felt like everyone around me knew the horrible thing I had done and could see my shame.
Yesterday my best friend in the whole wide world and I talked about the "elephant in the room".
Yesterday we said good bye to another good friend and I think it prompted our conversation.
Yesterday I told her all these things that I had never told anyone before.
Yesterday I held my baby and told her that I didn't like being pregnant but I liked being her mommy.
Yesterday I tried to explain myself to my husband and he just hugged me and gave me a kiss.
Yesterday I found peace.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Day 30-31
Day 30 - Sept 15
Usually Thursdays are for "Bitchin' Thursdays" with the girls but lately we have all been lame - not only are we all moms but we are also all 'students', some are actually in college, one got a promotion and is doing a bunch of training and a couple are teachers.
My Thursday consisted of thanking the dear sweet lord that Cody was home for the weekend. He fed, bathed and tried to put Carly to sleep but the little stinker just wanted her mama. So I put her to bed and then wrote a test for Resource Managemnet, graded a stack of papers and was snuggled up by the hubs at 11:30. Whew! Of course Carly woke up and was really crabby but Cody got up with her and ended up sleeping in the chair for quite a while. Poor baby is conjested.
Day 31- Sept 16 Made a flying trip at 3:25 to the Dr. Carly is conjested and on some meds for asthma. She doesn't have asthma but the meds open her air way. She had a better night.
Usually Thursdays are for "Bitchin' Thursdays" with the girls but lately we have all been lame - not only are we all moms but we are also all 'students', some are actually in college, one got a promotion and is doing a bunch of training and a couple are teachers.
My Thursday consisted of thanking the dear sweet lord that Cody was home for the weekend. He fed, bathed and tried to put Carly to sleep but the little stinker just wanted her mama. So I put her to bed and then wrote a test for Resource Managemnet, graded a stack of papers and was snuggled up by the hubs at 11:30. Whew! Of course Carly woke up and was really crabby but Cody got up with her and ended up sleeping in the chair for quite a while. Poor baby is conjested.
Day 31- Sept 16 Made a flying trip at 3:25 to the Dr. Carly is conjested and on some meds for asthma. She doesn't have asthma but the meds open her air way. She had a better night.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Guilt
I've never been one for guilt - unless it's guilty pleasures. I am SOOO into guilty pleasures. Some of mine include - not doing laundry, drinking wine on a Wednesday BY MY SELF (it was 1 1/2 glasses, put the phone down, SRS won't come over 1 1/2 glasses of wine), blogging at 11 o'clock when I should be putting the laundry away and finishing dishes, playing with my daughter instead of grading papers...and I've come full circle.
I knew getting into this "mom thing" would be stressful and I would feel guilty all the time because you feel guilty when you are pregnant...you feel guilty that you aren't eating anything when all you can do is puke because you feel like your baby is suffering, you feel guilty when you complain about your back hurting because you asked for the baby (or in our case we asked for a 5 Beer Burrito at the Half Step and then went parkin' - sorry about the overshare).
The most guilt I feel is about work. I LOVE my job, I LOVE my co-workers, I LOVE the subject(s), and I LOVE my students. But I also LOVELOVE my husband and LOVELOVE my daughter. Where is the happy medium?
HINT: THERE ISNT ONE!! Which majorly sucks.
No matter what I do - even if I divide my time after skoo 1/2 n 1/2 I am still shorting one or the other. If I give Carly all my time, then do my skoo stuff, and go to bed ONLY when it is all done then I am a total biz-watch the next day and stumble over words and what not by 3rd hr.
I thank God every day for making educational movies. Praise Jesus. Amen.
I knew getting into this "mom thing" would be stressful and I would feel guilty all the time because you feel guilty when you are pregnant...you feel guilty that you aren't eating anything when all you can do is puke because you feel like your baby is suffering, you feel guilty when you complain about your back hurting because you asked for the baby (or in our case we asked for a 5 Beer Burrito at the Half Step and then went parkin' - sorry about the overshare).
The most guilt I feel is about work. I LOVE my job, I LOVE my co-workers, I LOVE the subject(s), and I LOVE my students. But I also LOVELOVE my husband and LOVELOVE my daughter. Where is the happy medium?
HINT: THERE ISNT ONE!! Which majorly sucks.
No matter what I do - even if I divide my time after skoo 1/2 n 1/2 I am still shorting one or the other. If I give Carly all my time, then do my skoo stuff, and go to bed ONLY when it is all done then I am a total biz-watch the next day and stumble over words and what not by 3rd hr.
I thank God every day for making educational movies. Praise Jesus. Amen.
Super Slacker
I am a super slacker, actually I haven't been slacking at all (just with this)
I greatly under estimated how much time this baby AND work AND Hubs in skoo AND spending 4 days a week would take.
So here is a one sentence run down of the last few weeks - in reverse order.
Sept 14 - Volleyball games VS Burlington and The YC. Crest lost both :(
Sept 13 - Carly took off crawling at Aundi's. Right over to Koi's big pile of cows and totally belly flopped on them and started chewing the heck outta that big ole pile of bovine.
Sept 12 - Monday...uhhhh. But Carly started crawling so that is nice - for now.
Sept 11 - Heading back from OK. Stopped to see Dad and also stopped at Mom's.
Sept 10 - In OK. Cody did good and bought a very tasty and very cheap bottle of wine. I don't buy wine that is more than $10 unless it is a special occassion - or a box.
Sept 9 - Homecoming - I didn't go but I did help prepare for it. Carly and I went to see Cody in OK.
Sept 8 - Stayed for the middle school game. The did great - I am not ashamed to say that Abby is SUCH A BETTER COACH! Those girls are lucky to have her.
Sept 7 -
Sept 6 - Dislike the Tuesday after a holiday. Always makes the week all wonky.
Sept 5 - Decorated for fall - my favorite season.
Sept 4 - Cody helped with Seth and Andrea's house some more and we went to Mom's for supper.
Sept 3 - Didn't do a whole lot - went to Seth and Andreas. Their house is coming along.
Sept 2 - Football game at SCC - we lost :( But Carly REALLY liked watching.
Sept 1 - I have no clue what happened to day or the day before - too long ago.
August 31 - I don't remember. Surely something good and something lame happened.
August 30 - My friend Andrea is 26 today!!
August 29 - Still doing the Take AIM thing - best one I have been too.
August 28 - Take AIM with students. Go FCCLA!
August 27 - Sicky baby. 102 fever - runny nose, coughing. I think it is teeth.
August 26 - Thank goodness for Friday. I don't remember much about this day but the week before but it was LONG!
I greatly under estimated how much time this baby AND work AND Hubs in skoo AND spending 4 days a week would take.
So here is a one sentence run down of the last few weeks - in reverse order.
Sept 14 - Volleyball games VS Burlington and The YC. Crest lost both :(
Sept 13 - Carly took off crawling at Aundi's. Right over to Koi's big pile of cows and totally belly flopped on them and started chewing the heck outta that big ole pile of bovine.
Sept 12 - Monday...uhhhh. But Carly started crawling so that is nice - for now.
Sept 11 - Heading back from OK. Stopped to see Dad and also stopped at Mom's.
Sept 10 - In OK. Cody did good and bought a very tasty and very cheap bottle of wine. I don't buy wine that is more than $10 unless it is a special occassion - or a box.
Sept 9 - Homecoming - I didn't go but I did help prepare for it. Carly and I went to see Cody in OK.
Sept 8 - Stayed for the middle school game. The did great - I am not ashamed to say that Abby is SUCH A BETTER COACH! Those girls are lucky to have her.
Sept 7 -
Sept 6 - Dislike the Tuesday after a holiday. Always makes the week all wonky.
Sept 5 - Decorated for fall - my favorite season.
Sept 4 - Cody helped with Seth and Andrea's house some more and we went to Mom's for supper.
Sept 3 - Didn't do a whole lot - went to Seth and Andreas. Their house is coming along.
Sept 2 - Football game at SCC - we lost :( But Carly REALLY liked watching.
Sept 1 - I have no clue what happened to day or the day before - too long ago.
August 31 - I don't remember. Surely something good and something lame happened.
August 30 - My friend Andrea is 26 today!!
August 29 - Still doing the Take AIM thing - best one I have been too.
August 28 - Take AIM with students. Go FCCLA!
August 27 - Sicky baby. 102 fever - runny nose, coughing. I think it is teeth.
August 26 - Thank goodness for Friday. I don't remember much about this day but the week before but it was LONG!
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