Dear Nick Junior....

Dora the Explorer is giving my daughter unrealistic expectations of traveling with men. I have compiled a list of things that Dora is doing that are setting her up for failure. This is something I have thought about for a while. We are going on a short road trip soon and I thought that this is a valid time to express my concerns.

Pre planning:
Using landmarks your friend told you were on the way is frustrating to them (as is repeating the directions a bunch of times!)

Also, you can not ask for input from all of your friends....or ask them to come along just because they showed up at your house right before you were ready to leave.

Backpack:
Men don't like you taking that much luggage so you can't bring a backpack full of all the stuff you want or might need just in case.





If you do bring something that gets used, you can't say "Great, good thing I brought that extra large bottle of hydrogen peroxide." They will scoff at you and say "Yeah we needed the peroxide..but we are hiking in the mountains....why do you have three kinds of lip gloss, who are you planning to make out with, a bear?"


Map:
Don't even think of bringing your map because having it will just make them feel like you don't have confidence in their ability to navigate. I suggest laying it on the table near, but not next to their belongings so they think it is their idea to take it.
*On a side note, my husband likes having the map and requests it if it is not in the car. He is an excellent navigator and can read a map.*

Being passive aggressive by saying "map" over and over if you do get lost is just asking for a fight.

Don't be smug when you figure out where you need to go. 

On the way:
Do not suggest to help anyone you see on the way. Distractions throw them off the end goal, getting to the location before the time the GPS said you should be there.

Do not repeat the directions every time you go past a scheduled stop. "Yeah....lunch at Hardee's was great, next we go through the toll booth off of I-35, then across the big red bridge and we will get to the giant blue lake!"

Getting to your location:
Throwing confetti and running in circles is not acceptable. This implies you hated being with them and are excited to not have to listen to their rock music anymore.

It is also not okay to tell all your friends all the crazy things that happend on the the trip. Mostly because they probably don't care that there was a hairy homeless guy under the big red bridge yelling "Rojo bridge, you made it across the rojo bridge, Great Job!"

That's what he said...

My daughter is being a real whiner here lately. She is 2 1/2 so it is to be expected but it is really getting on my nerves.

The other day (no wait, EVERY DAY) wants a drink so she says "I neeeeedddd sommmmm juuuuuiiiiicccceeee" with her face all scrunched up and a pleading look in her eyes.

I sigh first then respond "We need to say it nicely."

Blank stare with scrunchy face from the kid.

"Say, I would like some juice please" with an upbeat sound and a plesant smile.

In a tone that I will call imitation...instead of mockery "I would like some juiiiiicccceeeee peas"

Insert internal sigh and a bright smile on the outside with more upbeat sounds and words of praise we skip off to the refrigerator to get some juuuuuuiiiiiicccccceeee.

5 minutes later the kid comes crying to me. I have no idea what she is saying it sounds like this "alkakfhnf **sob** (wipe a tear) lskjfifonn slfnfn aldkjaoinf and kandionelajndfk andka **sob**" (throw head in my lap and sob again)

"Carly, I do not understand what you are saying. Stop crying and whining and just talk to me."

" I....**sob** ...need alkdnakjnakj aknakjnas and I want some alknafnka ajnanff cause it is." (more on the "cause it is" bit later)

"Carly, you have to ask for what you want, I can't understand you when you cry like that. Just ask me for what you need and I will do my best to get it."

Insert a flouresent object with a pull chain above my head and in your best Gru voice (from Despicable Me) say "Lightbulb" as you pull the chain.

 This picture came from.....here >   https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/p480x480/301605_10151315760852592_481221594_n.jpg

I have never been one of those people who say "God told me to!"

Maybe God is giving me the silent treatment or maybe I can't hear him (I have a hearing deficiency on the left side...maybe he is whispering on my left side!!! OH NO!!)

I do believe in the JFV (Jesus' Funniest Video's) if you would like more information on these please see my friend Sharita's blog. She has a great explaination.

So...back to the kid and the whining. When I told her that she needed to stop and just tell me what she wanted I had a lightbulb and JFV moment.

In my head I imagine God looking a Peter and chuckling saying "See what I did there...."

You see, I had a thought. That is exactly what I need to do. Stop whining and crying and stomping around about something and just tell God what is going on. He will do his best, He knows my heart and what is best for me. He sees the big picture that I can't see, but sometimes we just have to say it in a plain voice instead of assuming He knows what we want and will make it happen.

I really hope I haven't caused Him to grit his teeth and say in an upbeat voice "Use your grown up words and grown up voice, I don't know what you want unless you ask for it."

Side bar: In movies God's voice is often Morgan Freeman's voice. I always think of it as Patrick Warburton's voice - he is the voice of Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove, The Wolf in Hoodwinked and a bazillion other characters.