Why we don't need to be good at everything.

Did you know that students today have a bazillion choices about activities?

Even in my tiny school of just 65 students the kids can be in FCCLA, FBLA, FCA, FFA, student council, eco meet, scholar's bowl, forensics, volleyball, cross country, football, basketball, track and that is just within the school. There is church, 4-H, youth group, summer league volleyball, basketball and softball/baseball, work and volunteering.

So I decided to have a little talk with my students that are in everything.

I asked them...." Would you rather be really good at a few things, or just okay at a lot of things?"

The response was exactly as I anticipated "What are the choices?"

There are not choices kids. You can do every activity and be in every organization, get all your homework done and hang with friends but what does it boil down to?

A feeling of failure when we aren't good at all of it. Society makes us think we should be doing a bazillion things and be really good at all of them.

I am not and I came to this realization this weekend and so on Monday I withdrew from the master's program.

Yep....I am a quiter.

I can be a mother, wife, teacher, daughter, advisor, sponsor, and student and I can do them all well. But I can't be good at all of them.

So I am no longer a student myself, at least not in the traditional sense. My masters program will always be around but my husband may not and my daughter will not be small and welcome my company greedily for very much longer.

So I am going to "Practice what I teach" and be really good at a few things. The important things.

Feels less like icky

The beginging of school always feels icky to me. I am never prepared enough nor am I in the swing of things.

This year felt more icky than usual. I don't like not being prepared - seems strange coming from a person who flies by the seat of her pants 90% of the time, but those are choices I make - so maybe I am a control hound.

Situations I can't control are okay to an extent, I can't control how many kids are enrolled or which kids, but I can control where they sit and my expectations of them.

I can't control how my day is set up, but I can control how I use my time.

I can't control who comes in to my classroom after school and wants to chat for thirty minutes while I am anxiously trying to enter grades and pick things up so I can go get my girl. I can control if I shut off my lights, lock my door and move my computer away from the windows so everyone thinks I am already gone.

About that last one....I don't feel icky about doing that. Sanity saving measures are sometimes necessary.

Now that school has started and I have come to terms and begun to plan and deal with the icky things school is less icky.

By November I will think it is icky again and wonder why I keep doing this job. But I know why, because if I left these kids I would feel icky.

Overwhelmed and Happy About It

I am overwhelmed.

School just started.

Carly is fighting with a girl at daycare.

I am the FCCLA district advisor this year.

Graduate classes started today - I have to have 150 observation hours which might not work out because I can only observe during my planning time.... of which I do not have 150 hours in a semester.

I don't have a planning time because I am observing for grad classes (this is my own doing, I know, stop judging me)

Carly keeps peeing herself during supper time even if we potty immediately before supper.

I am the scholar's bowl coach this year, guess which activity the activities board decided needed to take a written rules test??

Website administrating is getting out. of. control. I hope the new technology guy learns fast because I don't want it anymore.

There is a giant pile of laundry in the basement, and behind the door of our bedroom and behind the door to the bathroom.

The dishes from tonight aren't done....the dishes from yesterday aren't done, the day before...you guessed it. NOT DONE EITHER.

All of this is my own doing. I have volunteered for things because I know no one else will do them and things are falling behind because I can't stop hugging my husband and daughter.

For the 12 of you who read this and are my friends in real life you will know I like to read. I read a lot of things, journal articles, research articles (damn you grad school!!), novels of all genres including smut, I enjoy smutty books the most. I believe it is a form of escapism, not that my life is that bad, but wouldn't it be nice to have a man know exactly how to sweep you off your feet and make you a cup of tea? Sheldon from BBT and I have the same tea making OCD.

I also enjoy blogs- it is probably because I am a snoop curious and love a good laugh from funny bloggers.

One of the blogs I read took a turn to the sad a while back when this woman's husband was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away this week.They have two children, he was only 34.

Everything in my life melted away. She has no idea I even read her blog, or how much I have enjoyed reading her posts and how she is funny and real at the same time. She doesn't care, she is trying to find a way to make her and her children's life make sense again.

So I am not worried about grading papers, or observation hours or even if I have to move the dirty laundry over so I can put my feet down when I squat to pee.

I am hugging and giggling and getting play-doh in the carpet. We ate raw cookie dough and watched Dora for an hour. The garden is overgrown and there is a sizable layer of dust on everything.

So be it, Carly is sleeping in bed with us tonight and I will get her sweet curls damp as I cry myself to sleep and hold her and Cody as tight as possible.

I am overwhelmed and I am okay with it.