Hear me internets....

I really need you to hear me today internets. I need to tell you things that shouldn't be told to the internets. I need you to hear me with an open heart and mind and not judge. I need you to not think I am a bad person or a terrible friend because I think that of myself.

9 months ago I had a baby.

9 months ago I did (or rather didn't) do something I should have.

9 months ago I made it very clear to my family and the family of my husband to NOT put anything about our daughter's birth on the internet until we had a chance to tell close family and friends. It happened anyways.

9 months ago I relied on a text message to reach someone very important and it didn't happen.

9 months ago my best friend in the whole wide world found out after a few million people that our beautiful baby girl had arrived and she was devastated - and so was I.

9 months ago my best friend and I got in a ginormous fight... in the hospital...and she compared me to someone who has done very little good in her life...someone who hurts her over and over again.

9 months ago I cried holding our beautiful baby and I felt like having her ripped my deepest friendship apart.

9 months ago the doctors thought I had a severe case of post-partum depression because I couldn't look at my baby with out crying (and not the happy kind of tears)

9 months ago I told my husband that I wasn't sure how I could be a good mother if I couldn't even be a good friend.

9 months ago I sat in a bathroom and cried and yelled and screamed and cursed at my husband because my nutso hormones made me irrational and my fear got the best of me.

9 months ago I told my husband that I didn't want to be a mother and I didn't want to have a baby and even though I loved her and him I didn't like how my life had changed.

9 months ago I cried in public and begged my husband to take me home because I felt like everyone around me knew the horrible thing I had done and could see my shame.

Yesterday my best friend in the whole wide world and I talked about the "elephant in the room".

Yesterday we said good bye to another good friend and I think it prompted our conversation.

Yesterday I told her all these things that I had never told anyone before.

Yesterday I held my baby and told her that I didn't like being pregnant but I liked being her mommy.

Yesterday I tried to explain myself to my husband and he just hugged me and gave me a kiss.

Yesterday I found peace.

Day 30-31

Day 30 - Sept 15
Usually Thursdays are for "Bitchin' Thursdays" with the girls but lately we have all been lame - not only are we all moms but we are also all 'students', some are actually in college, one got a promotion and is doing a bunch of training and a couple are teachers.

My Thursday consisted of thanking the dear sweet lord that Cody was home for the weekend. He fed, bathed and tried to put Carly to sleep but the little stinker just wanted her mama. So I put her to bed and then wrote a test for Resource Managemnet, graded a stack of papers and was snuggled up by the hubs at 11:30. Whew! Of course Carly woke up and was really crabby but Cody got up with her and ended up sleeping in the chair for quite a while. Poor baby is conjested.

Day 31- Sept 16 Made a flying trip at 3:25 to the Dr. Carly is conjested and on some meds for asthma. She doesn't have asthma but the meds open her air way. She had a better night.