I really need you to hear me today internets. I need to tell you things that shouldn't be told to the internets. I need you to hear me with an open heart and mind and not judge. I need you to not think I am a bad person or a terrible friend because I think that of myself.
9 months ago I had a baby.
9 months ago I did (or rather didn't) do something I should have.
9 months ago I made it very clear to my family and the family of my husband to NOT put anything about our daughter's birth on the internet until we had a chance to tell close family and friends. It happened anyways.
9 months ago I relied on a text message to reach someone very important and it didn't happen.
9 months ago my best friend in the whole wide world found out after a few million people that our beautiful baby girl had arrived and she was devastated - and so was I.
9 months ago my best friend and I got in a ginormous fight... in the hospital...and she compared me to someone who has done very little good in her life...someone who hurts her over and over again.
9 months ago I cried holding our beautiful baby and I felt like having her ripped my deepest friendship apart.
9 months ago the doctors thought I had a severe case of post-partum depression because I couldn't look at my baby with out crying (and not the happy kind of tears)
9 months ago I told my husband that I wasn't sure how I could be a good mother if I couldn't even be a good friend.
9 months ago I sat in a bathroom and cried and yelled and screamed and cursed at my husband because my nutso hormones made me irrational and my fear got the best of me.
9 months ago I told my husband that I didn't want to be a mother and I didn't want to have a baby and even though I loved her and him I didn't like how my life had changed.
9 months ago I cried in public and begged my husband to take me home because I felt like everyone around me knew the horrible thing I had done and could see my shame.
Yesterday my best friend in the whole wide world and I talked about the "elephant in the room".
Yesterday we said good bye to another good friend and I think it prompted our conversation.
Yesterday I told her all these things that I had never told anyone before.
Yesterday I held my baby and told her that I didn't like being pregnant but I liked being her mommy.
Yesterday I tried to explain myself to my husband and he just hugged me and gave me a kiss.
Yesterday I found peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment